Unwanted, Unloved & Alone

The worst feeling in the world is to feel unwanted, unloved & alone. With the job that I have, it makes me feel this way a lot because im left with too much time to think. On my long drives to the different places I work and lonely nights in random hotels, it drives me nuts. The money is good but it comes with a steep price to pay. I know I have good people in my life that love me but it doesnt always feel that way. Being a strong person is not easy. Although I would not change a day in my life and the things I went through, I miss my mother. I really do. As a little kid I found self alone crying my self to sleep almost every night. As an adult I find my self feeling the same way at times. Most of the time I feel like I dont belong in this world and it is not for me. No one understands my pain is how I feel and I hate it when people ask " How are you doing"? Do you really want to know ? Im not doing good, I can barely get by and when I get ahead I get knocked back down so now that you know, what are you going to do to help since you have asked? Nothing right! So dont ask. Suicide often enters my mind but I know it is not an option. I know this because I have already made an attempt on my life. I tried to hang my self or rather I did hang my self. It was in my room where I did it and the people I was living with came in to get me for dinner. They saw me hanging and they cut me down before my final moment. I have grown older & wiser since then and I have learned a lot from it. I now know that it is not the answer and that it was stupid. I hate having to walk the path of life as if all was ok. Well it is not. We in some way or another are all fucked up with are own problems so why cant people just be honest and face reality. I know it is easier said then done but you people are killing me with all that sugar coated bullshit. With that said, dont scape goat me with that shit. Put the blame on your self where it belongs or find some other sucker for it. Just man up and deal with it. In order to do so I say you need to take care of your self 1st, then you can move on. I have been through it all with a mother that shot dope, smoked crack to her fucking dudes for money. I spent 18 years of my life in the foster care system all through the 80's into the late 90's. The 80's was there worst. The places I have lived were horrible. I was beaten all the time, locked in the closet for days with no food and a lot of other unmentionable shit that no one should ever have to go through in their life. Some how I grew up into a healthy adult and I have beat my odds. I have learned from all it and I have built my foundation of life right on top of it all. I am still trying to figure out life as I move on. It is a fucked up cold world out there and a very lonely place with out good people in your life. So with that said, I ask God to grant me the strength to make it another day. I know I must push on because there is something great ahead for me that I am destined to find. Now let me leave you with this before I go (food for thought).

Judge me not by the times I have been knocked down but by how many times I have gotten back up. We are all knocked down in our lives. You must find it in your self as a New Yorker to keep getting back up and to push forward. It is what being a New Yorker is all about. OLD NEW YORK 1976