Hell On Earth

     I have so much to say, but yet nothing comes out. A million emotions race through me at a non stop rate. Its like one emotion is beating up the other emotion to get out. Its crazy, a fuck'n Royal Rumble of emotions, yes thats EXACTLY what it is. Ive been trying to paint, write & be productive in terms of producing peaces of art. Originally I learned to paint from all the pain & suffering in my life. Its a big part of me being able to cope & reset my mental clock. My life was filled with (what more then the average can handle) abuse. So the painting helped a lot to escape to another place and leave it all behind.

     And then there came a point where I fixed a lot of issues in my life, persevered & have moved up in the structure of adulthood. As you get older you should be doing a lit bit better the next year. So now that Im happy in life, I wasn't able to paint anymore and produce art work, because now Im painting from a un failure place and I didn't know how. As time goes on I figured it out and that too, I have stepped up my craft.

     So as time goes by, life is like a roller coaster ride, you encounter many ups & downs and for me Im in a place were I have become stagnant. Im beginning to not be able to produce because of some  things I'm going through personally. I have a daughter thats 14 & Im going through the emotions of a little girl becoming a young lady in her own right, but just a little to quick for me. She has the knowledge, but lacks the know how that comes from the actual experience of life. Shit thats enough right there to throw you off, but over all I know I have done well with my daughter. With all this going on it has me struggling to produce.

     Today (01/30/15) I woke up from a dream that was more then a dream. It was a portal from the after life and my mother & grand father came to visit me in a very odd setting, too difficult to describe. Non the less they came at a time in my life when it is needed. My mother came to remind me of my past. All that I have gone through, the struggles, bad times and her drug problems. It wasn't to make me sad & drag me down, but to motivate & remind me what I have over come and have accomplished in life. And my grandfather came to let me know he was proud of me, that I was an HONORABLE man. He was aware of my accomplishments and that I was not done. To keep pushing forward, I have more to over come. Only my grandfather hugged me in the dream and I know it was real because it was that exact feeling every time he hugged  has me. I just know it was.

     New York City has always been a beast. Except for now its more of a financial beast then a survival of the fittest beast. Never the less life doesn't slow down for no one. That bitch just don't give a fuck about you, she is cruel and will throw everything at you including the shitty ass toilet too. The one thing I can say is that being raised in that raw Old New York era & overcoming the odds has prepared me for what ever that bitch can throw.

     In life its so easy to get caught up in the rat race when things fall out of whack. Its like working a production line and they turn up the pace on that bitch. It becomes harder to keep up and thats what living in NYC is beginning to feel like. I ask my self continuously what am I fighting for? I just don't know any other way but to keep fighting. I guess in this life you go through all the pain & suffering until there is no more and you die. I just hope 1 there is a next life &amp 2 that its pain free and the greatest thing ever. Until then, Ill just keep going through the motions and lessons of life.