Unwanted, Unloved & Alone

The worst feeling in the world is to feel unwanted, unloved & alone. With the job that I have, it makes me feel this way a lot because im left with too much time to think. On my long drives to the different places I work and lonely nights in random hotels, it drives me nuts. The money is good but it comes with a steep price to pay. I know I have good people in my life that love me but it doesnt always feel that way. Being a strong person is not easy. Although I would not change a day in my life and the things I went through, I miss my mother. I really do. As a little kid I found self alone crying my self to sleep almost every night. As an adult I find my self feeling the same way at times. Most of the time I feel like I dont belong in this world and it is not for me. No one understands my pain is how I feel and I hate it when people ask " How are you doing"? Do you really want to know ? Im not doing good, I can barely get by and when I get ahead I get knocked back down so now that you know, what are you going to do to help since you have asked? Nothing right! So dont ask. Suicide often enters my mind but I know it is not an option. I know this because I have already made an attempt on my life. I tried to hang my self or rather I did hang my self. It was in my room where I did it and the people I was living with came in to get me for dinner. They saw me hanging and they cut me down before my final moment. I have grown older & wiser since then and I have learned a lot from it. I now know that it is not the answer and that it was stupid. I hate having to walk the path of life as if all was ok. Well it is not. We in some way or another are all fucked up with are own problems so why cant people just be honest and face reality. I know it is easier said then done but you people are killing me with all that sugar coated bullshit. With that said, dont scape goat me with that shit. Put the blame on your self where it belongs or find some other sucker for it. Just man up and deal with it. In order to do so I say you need to take care of your self 1st, then you can move on. I have been through it all with a mother that shot dope, smoked crack to her fucking dudes for money. I spent 18 years of my life in the foster care system all through the 80's into the late 90's. The 80's was there worst. The places I have lived were horrible. I was beaten all the time, locked in the closet for days with no food and a lot of other unmentionable shit that no one should ever have to go through in their life. Some how I grew up into a healthy adult and I have beat my odds. I have learned from all it and I have built my foundation of life right on top of it all. I am still trying to figure out life as I move on. It is a fucked up cold world out there and a very lonely place with out good people in your life. So with that said, I ask God to grant me the strength to make it another day. I know I must push on because there is something great ahead for me that I am destined to find. Now let me leave you with this before I go (food for thought).

Judge me not by the times I have been knocked down but by how many times I have gotten back up. We are all knocked down in our lives. You must find it in your self as a New Yorker to keep getting back up and to push forward. It is what being a New Yorker is all about. OLD NEW YORK 1976

Eat The Rich

In this world that we live in, its become harder and harder to live. The rich get richer and the poor get poor'. As I was growing up in New York I had less then normal. My mother could not provide and my father was no where to be found. The homes that I lived in gave me next to nothing and so this lead to me having to fend for my self. I have always had a job since the legal age of working. The jobs that I had just did not provide enough money to take care of my self. I did not have to pay rent, but I had to get my own clothes and food for my self and money to ride the train. So as I worked, I also got my hustle on at a young age. I did what I had to in order to take care of my self. Its nothing to be proud of or brag about, but it was my reality. Now that I am older, I do not have to do those things or at least you would think right? Well, the truth is as the world turns, the greedy get more greedy and this creates a gap for the honest man to get ahead in life. As the honest man struggles to live, he falls behind because the greedy snatch up all thats in site. This is my dilemma, I am trying to live my life the right way now that I am older but I am faced with people in my everyday life that make it too hard and sometimes being honest gets you last place. I hate it. I hated living my early life like this and watching my mother live her life like this too. Well, I am a strong person and I will do what I have to do to get by. I will not let the next man take my opportunities away from me. One day, hopefully this rat race will come to an end and I can live a better more full filled life. I am happy at least for where I am in life but I will not settle for 2nd best. I know I have it in me to fight all the way and beat all these people at their own games and when that day comes, I'll be like I told you so. I have already had days like that in my life and there will be more to come. So to all the hard working honest people, dont give up and play other peoples games to win. The best is when you beat a cheater at his own game. Send him on his way and claim what is rightfully yours. Our day will come sooner then later. Keep fighting and keep Old New York alive!

I Love NY

I cant stand seeing all these fuckin' non New Yorkers wearing I heart NY shirts. Its another thing stolen from us True New Yorkers. It use to hold a lot of lbs with me. Now, that shit is just watered down like a lot of other meaningful things that was jacked. Well I am here to say New York Dont Love You! Get that threw ya fuckin head. You have done nothing to love it or preserve it. You did not help raise it nor do you know its deep pains. That shit aint something you sport or try to rock. That shit is a straight badge of honor. It really did hold meaning to a lot of people. I wish there was something I could do to stop it. It really drives me crazy, but I can see whats going on and it doesnt look good for you people who just do not belong here in NY. Keep moving into the outskirts of the hood, pushing your way in and stripping them of there culture and neighborhood shops. Times are changing fast and they're getting rough. Crime is on the rise and so is murder. Nigga's is startin' to get tight son! And its only a matter of time that the 80's & 90's make a come back and then its a wrap. The outta towners are fish food in a world like this which will make them the 1st to go. In the movie Taxi, Robert Dinero says something about a good rain washing the scum away. Well I wish a good rain would come and wash all the hipsters, art fags & outta towners that think their cool and everyone else who doesnt belong. I know it some hateful shit, but its also fucked up the effect these people have created. In an already hard place to live, these people have sucked up all opportunities that was out there for the less fortunate. They have also changed our culture into the following of clowns. What I want to know is who let them decide what was hip and what isnt. This shit is getting too far out of control. Like I said in the beginning, New York Dont Love You so stop milking this bitch and go home.

Where The Fuck Is My Day At?

This post will be different then the others, tonight I feel the need to vent and just let go for a minute. Everyday of my life is tougher then the next. I keep asking my self. When is it going to get easier for me? But, that day has yet to show it self. Dont get me wrong! I have made life the best it can be compared to where it started out. Thats when I start thinking to my self while I am staring at others and make my judgement of each and everyone that walks by. Im good at this, trust me! I see so many people that have life well for them, these people do not know of real pain. Not like I know it. What kills me is they have done nothing to deserve where they are in life. Now it all starts making me think about me. Where the fuck is my day at? When will It show it self? I have been asking this question since I was 9 years old.I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I came home from school and I was upset. The other kids was making fun of me, because of my mom. She smoked crack and the other kids knew it. Man, can kids be cruel. When I had gotten home, no one was there. I just laid in bed and ask God "why me why me". I just wanted a normal life. This was the first time that I asked where was my day. Why so young asking? I will tell you why! Because I had already been to hell and back, yup thats right. See when I was 4 I was taking away by BCW and put in a foster home. I had no clue to what had happened or even why. So from 4 to the age of 9 I lived in over 30 different homes. I wont get into that. Day after day in my life has been more then a battle. Others have chapters of shit in there life, I have novel's beyond belief. I lost my mother when I was 14 years old and this really pushed me over the edge. Whats so fucked up is that I knew this day was any day now. The last time I talked to my mother, I told her fuck you and to die. When I found out she had passed. I had realised I never hated my mother. I broke down into tears. The loss was like no other and thats when I realised I fucked up. The way I ended with my mom and that I would never get her back, to say sorry or that I do love you or any other such. In high school, I was going crazy as well. I just couldnt get along with the people I lived with. I felt like a complete outsider with a whole separate set of rules for me other then their own kids. Thats a fucked up way to feel? Once again I have battled my way through this one as well. In my more recent years, I have faced an eviction that was painful. Wrongful at that to make it hurt a little more. The apartment was old to begin with. No matter how much you cleaned, there were roaches and mice. One day here comes a new owner of the building with a hidden agenda. He came around in the beginning to see what needed to be fixed so I asked him to change the cabinets in the kitchen. The old ones where over 30 years old. The had bad water damage to them. The shit just needed to be replaced. Long story short, he told me do it my self and so I did. Thats when he got me! He evicted me on the grounds of making changes to the apartment with out consent. I had to change'em. Once it was all changed, the roaches and mice went away as well. To really ad insult to injury, I lost my job and I was in a car accident. Shit just really went down hill bad. All this during none other then good 'ol Christmas. So you see what I am saying. Where the fuck is my day! I have been through it all and I am still standing. I value my life and my struggles. They have made me the person I am today. It has given me character and honer. I have done more then my part for my life to be a little less difficult. I am greatful for my life and then I start to think about that. Despite me not getting my day, I can at least go to sleep at night knowing who I am and I am proud of that. My mother use to say all the time "be careful of what you ask, You just might get your wish" and she is so right. So until that day comes, I will keep pushing forward as all true New Yorkers do.

My Mother & Father

This here is my Father & Mother and of course me. What I love most about this picture, is the time frame it is from. These 2 pictures are taken in 1977. I love that everything is so so drab and dull. The flatness of color matches the mood of that time and emotion just pours right off the picture. Now why did I say emotion? Because you would never know how fucked up these 2 adults really were and to make matters worse, they had me & my sister. Growing for my mother was a horror story alone. She is the last generation of an orphan. My Mother never made it past 3rd grade because she was forced to work like wash clothes and dishes at a young age. Im not sure what happened through her teen years, but I can imagine that my mother one day said "fuck it, enough is enough" judging by her character. Rene (my moms) had found the streets and never left them. My experience growing up under her roof is pretty fucking out there. Ive seen her con game, her clepto side, her drunk/drugs side and the best of all was the mother deep down inside. My mother was the best mother of all. she always took care of me and made sure I ate. She always talked to me and would say things like dont be a follower. Be a leader and stay away from this and that because its bad. She really cared about me and did the best she could, but the reality of it all was quite nasty. She was fucked up on shooting dope and smoking crack. Renee stayed drinking beer and popping pills on the way back from her program (methadone clinic). Back in the 80's, My mother took me to just about every dope spot there was in Manhattan and boy was I frightened as a little kid. as I got a little older, Moms would keep me out to all hours of the night. Her hang out was a place called Needle Park on the Upper West. The people who hung out here were, trannys, weed pushers, junkies and all other low lifes. Here in needle park is where I have started my life as a pupil, not to have realised the valuable lessons soon to be learned. Although my Mother had a lot of problems in the short amount of time we spent together, it was rich in knowledge, love and life saving lessons. To this day I hold those things she has said in my heart and live my life by it. All the things I learned from my Mother is what I have built my foundation of life on. Mom I love you and your always with me. I know I have made you proud! As for my father. Another loser. He had his shit together a little better. He was quiet and he did not a dam thing. I dont know too much about him, but what I do know is this. He has served his country honorably in Nam. Then he was a Postal worker. I always wondered what had gone wrong. You know, besides the drugs and shit. I am amazed that my parents made it 4 years that I know about. I did just find out that my father was married before he met my mom and just dipped on his 1st family, That makes sense why they hated my mom, Meaning my Fathers family. My dad was not around much. I remember going down to my moms program down on 23rd st at Belvue hospital and we would always run into my Father. This is because he was living in a mens shelter at the V.A. hospital. I remember a few times I saw him then he vanished into thin air. I gotta say this! Im not mad at him. I dont blame him for leaving although it is not right to do. In his case he could not take care of him self so how can he take care of someone else. The only thing I ever want from him was to find him and let him see who his son has become. Someone to be proud of. I wanted to let him know more then anything ever that I was not mad at him. I never got that chance though. I come across information that he just passed away not to long ago. I do not regret one moment of them being by parents. I have learned a lot from them about how not to be and how to raise a child the right way and for this I am thankful for that. Also what has made my mother such a great person was her growing up in NYC. My Mother & Father are both from Puerto Rico, but grew up here in NYC.
The Old New York as I once knew it, Made a man out you. It gave you much character and a back bone. Old Blue Eyes said it best "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere".

Now that I am older I wish my mother was still around. You dont realise what you have until its gone.

The Realist Old New Yorker I Know!

This here is Thaddius (Teddy) and by no contest, he is the Real Deal to the fullest. Man, there is so much to talk about that I dont know where to begin. I will start by saying I have the privilege of working w/ him. The stories he has are something like the movie Big Fat Liar, but his are true. He has honor, loyalty, a BIG heart and he is sharp with it. Dont be fooled by the one eye and his age. This guy works circles around younger people. His knowledge is like an encyclopedia. He is originally from L.E.S. and he just turned 77. He has time in the service like almost every true America his age. He has many years working for the M.T.A and he has retired from the F.A.A. As we work, we're all cracking jokes and right along side is Ted and he gets his in as well. This man has that good old New York dry sarcastic humor. Not until just recently I just started to fully understand it and I hold it close to me. Any ways one thing I really liked that he said was" I like the ways of the Indians, They saw the land to be owned by no one, to take care of it and it will take care of you". That is so true. He is always willing to help people out, but also quick to send them on their way with that bull shit. He told me as a kid, he would come home from school and tell his dad" dad, the teacher hit me" then he said that his dad would whack him too. If the teacher did it, he must of deserved it. Thats something that is missing in are culture. Im not saying beat the kid, but a good ol' spanking. You know, when we say try & walk in some else's shoes, I only hope to come close to him. I guess the reason why I am writing about him is because I have grown to hold him dear. He reminds me a lot of my grandpa. I feel like I am getting a second chance to spend time with him and that is something that does not come around to often in life. Ted can never replace my grandpa, but only help to make my memories of my grandpa fresh in my head & relive them. Thank you Ted.