Change Does Not Always Work!

Here today & gone tomorrow! For the moment I am back. As I was sitting on the couch the other night, watching the idiot box, I realized something. I was watching a show about some Italian man who has a very fancy restaurant. The man was well known for his place and he was a success at it. Further into the show he closed it down to open a new one. His son is suppose to be the one running things now. Long story short, they dont see eye to eye on things and fight how it should be. This made me think about Old New York. The father is set in his ways off the boat from Italy & his son sees things in a different way. For me this was the connection I made that kept me watching. The father wanted to stick to what he knew for many reasons. Even with some failures in the past, he knew what he had to do. His way had to do with things that are dear in his heart & things that meant the world to him. Nostalgia was the ticket for this man, but his son thought things had to be done a different way. We have to do this & we have to do that his son says. Everything his son wanted to do had to deal with a new way of life & accommodating a newer group of people. What Im getting at and the connection for me was I feel the same way about New York. NYC has been changed around to fit the needs of others & not the Old New Yorkers that are here rightfully so. In the show, the father did things the way his son wanted to do them and they failed opening night. 1 star was the out come for its reviews. Months later, the father changed it all around to his likings & his way of life. The next review brought him 3 stars. I guess what Im getting at is not all of us want the changes that are being made to the city, Of course I dont want to live in a shit hole, but do I want Targets & Papa Johns all over NYC? HELL NO! I say change is not always good. Added security measures all over that is a joke and all that does for us is make life a living hell. Plus its really not making us safer. I love the fact that they think they are really doing all of us good. You could leave a bag on the train or anywhere, no one says shit. The other night as Im working at LGA airport, a car sat the wrong way in traffic, crashed into a pole for 45 minutes and no one did anything. At the same time a lady laid on the floor having a seizure and when help was called the cops came instead of a ambulance. Then the cops called the medics to come. So here you have a new post 911 system that has been implemented that fails us as New Yorkers. So for this to be put in place, we lose out in other area's because money is pulled away for all this post 911 crap. Then shit doesnt even work how it should. The new shit is they want to start charging High school & below to ride transit. People can barely afford to pay for them selves to get on the train and now you want to charge students too. Its not like they are losing money when a student gets on. May be the MTA isnt gaining, but they are not losing out. FUCK ALL THESE CHANGES. Us Old New Yorkers are the blood & guts of this city. We drive the trains & buses, we pick up the trash, we do all the shit that the rich will not do. So now if you keep making it harder for us to live here, who is going to do all these jobs that keep the city flowing? NO ONE! The shit that kills me is that no one sticks together any more. Transit wants to bull shit us? fuck it STRIKE! No one wants to stick together and do things the old way. Well now we have to pay the price for it all. Change is inevitable, but it doesnt mean I have to like it. Im sure people born in the 60's hated the 80's and so on. So give me back the Red Birds with lights that flicker on & off. Give me back undeveloped areas where kids would go play and get into the trouble that youth got into. Give me back the chance to have fist fights and when they are done, winner or loser walks away. There's so much that is gone, it sucks. Never the less I am here for good till the death of me no matter what. This is my New York so dont be fooled by the hipsters, art fags & imposter's. There are a lot of us Old New Yorkers left.

My Heart & Soul.

This is for my little girl thats not so little any more. This is for you Pumkin and only you as the rest may read along. I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me in this world more then you. All that I do is for you and no one else. You are first in my life what keeps me alive. I know that things are not as we would like em, but I want you to know I think about you every day, all day. Im wondering to my self what are you doing today? Because I know your up to something.  Im your Dad and I know you well. I shouldnt be telling you this, but I am. When I talked to your teacher and she was telling me about the way you disrupt the class, I couldnt believe it. Then I remembered who your Dad was and saw me when I was your age. I love you Baby girl. I thought it was so funny that when you come back from the bathroom, you open the door, wait a second and then you go into the class because you know the whole class is looking to see who it is. J you are priceless and you are mine. I love the fact that you love the things that Im into. I love the fact that you ride a skateboard & you can draw. You couldnt ask for nothing more out of a kid. Im proud for the fact that you got a 4 on your city wide reading & math tests in school. You are a smart girl and you know it. I am making you a written promise her baby so that you have the whole world as your witness. I promise to give you more time.  There is something I want to share with you. I think you are smart enough to understand the things I tell you so I want you to know this. Here goes, As you get older things get harder. If you pay attention in life as you do in school. You will learn lots of import things in life that will get you far. You are a very smart young lady at a early age. Also in life there can be many distractions. You must learn to steer clear and keep moving forward. Life is not easy as you see sometimes for your self. You must stay strong and push on. You control your destiny Baby girl. I will always be here to guide you in life and praise you as well. Please know that I love you like no other person. You make me proud to be your Dad. To have you as my daughter makes all the past pain in life worth every horrible minute. I Love You Pumkin Pie. Your Daddy.

Take A Look Through My Eyes

Growing up in NYC is most definitely some next shit, but you know what? I wouldnt trade it for the world. The things I have seen growing up, you couldnt write a script any crazier then the what I have seen. From a early Year in life I have witnessed more then I should have. I have seen death, luck, disaster, love, hope and so much more. These are the moments that have shaped me. I can remember growing up on 137th & Riverside in the late 80's. Man was that shit gully as fuck. The building I lived in had to be the one where all the crackheads got high in the lobby. At least the apartment was huge. Insanely big. Now this was an ill place to live. One day on the uptown side of B'way by the train station, we were all sitting. It was me & bunch of friends. We were all meeting up there to go downtown that night. While we were all waiting for one more person to show up, we all seen some crazy shit happen. On the other side of B'way was a man closing his store for the night and a crack coming running by and jigged money in the neck with a screw driver. Why it happen, I dont know, but the dude was on the ground shaking. At least E.M.S. showed up quick. When I lived on 78th & W.E.A. I would hang out at the Soldiers & Sailors monument. This was in the late 80's as well. Some times I would break night there and sleep up on the landing . One night I was there with a friend Mikey. He had wanted to run away and so he did, why? I dont know, but we wound up there that night and we hung out with the older crowd that was drinking and getting high. I bumped into this dude Hang 10 that I had known from the neighborhood. We started to walk the streets and bug out then he was dieing for a coffee at 3:30 am Hang 10 decides HEY! Lets go to my job and I can get some coffee there. Well his job was being the Mngr of a tutti fruitti ice cream place. So he unlocks the store and we go in the store. I wound up eating all the ice cream I ever wanted and sleeping in the basement . I froze my ass off. That Was some real random shit to have happen. I can remember making a magic dollar. Yup that shit really was magic until people caught on. What it was, was a dollar bill w/ a tail on it that was about 2 ft long made out of clear packing tape. Now what you did with it was use it in vending machines. Then you would pull ya dollar back out get what you wanted plus the change. It was the best. Dam growing up, there was a code you could use so you can make free pay phone calls. You would punch in the code and then you would get the flashing dial tone and you was good son! Washington Square was dope back in the days and the whole village in the 90's now that was a crazy seen. You had the dude jumping 7 or 8 trash cans from one sk8board to another in the park. Fuck'n Unique's was the shit. I would always die to go there so I could write my name on the wall. Silly, but it was the case. St. Marks back then was just straight squatter city and the REAL punks who rocked the for real deal Mohawks. It was ill then. I use to love Walmen Rink when it re-opened in the late 80's. That was a blast, I remember my mother giving me money to by ice skates and after I took the train down there and got to the entrance of the park, I turned around and went back uptown to the U.W.S. to only spend that money on spray paint. I got my ass beat over that one, but there was this girl at the ice skating rink that I was so into. She was a real pretty Dominican girl named Vanessa and she actually liked me as well. With my luck it just didnt work out, but I got to kiss her and ice skate with her for about a month. Just long enough to have a nice memory. Man is NYC the best place ever! The Old New York that is. On the week ends my friends and I would go downtown to Wall st. and skate all day with out really seeing any people. It used to be dead, just nothing but kids skating all over the place. In my younger days we would take cabs places and just straight up do the Larry on'em. Sometimes we would take a cab all the way uptown to get trees and take the cab back downtown and then be out or stick like 2 dollar bills crumpled ur in the change spot and be out. I sure as hell miss being a kid in NYC back then. Making pea shooters and running around lacing people up with McDonald straws & popcorn kernels. We would spray about 100 at once out the mouth piece through the straw. Dam we were bad kids. Oh well, it has giving me xtra tough skin and a better perspective on how to look at things.

Trouble Maker For Life!

Good Ol New York! Dam, what happen?Well at least I have memories that are vivid & life long lasting. I can remember the 1st video game I played, It was Asteroids. That was a wrap after that. Around the corner from my house on 78th & B'way was a laundry place, it had self serve and then dry cleaning. In the dry cleaning store they had video games in there. They had Spy Hunter, Excite Bike, Dig Dug & Elevator Action. I spent all my time in there as a kid.  Thats how I met my best friend Marc (R.I.P.). He had moved here from Germany and his moms would give him dough to play games while she went to work. She worked for a place called Harmony Theatre. You figure it out. Anyways me & Marc kicked it. The day I met him I flipped em off and he had no clue as to what that ment. I found it to be the most funniest shit ever.  Us becoming friends was the beginning of going to hell in a hand basket on fire. Him & I got into a lot of trouble. One day a man was selling books on 77th and B'way. Back then it was a Love store that he was selling his books in front of. So Marc & I went up to the roof with a box of water balloons  and did the unthinkable, we through the water balloons at the mans books. Then to make matters worst, we went down and looked at his books in person in front of him like we were gonna buy something laughing are ass' off. I dont know how we didnt get are ass beat then or for all the shit we pulled. Marc use to live in the Belclaire Hotel. The place was a shit whole half way. Half of it was residence & half hotel. The kind of people that stayed were hookers from the 20's on 10th and 11th ave. Dudes who sold crack and many other low lives mixed with good blue collar people. The place was set up like an S.R.O with shared bathrooms. The roof was the best thing about that place. In the winter it was snow balls and the summer it was water balloons. On New Years & the 4th, it was fire crackers. Dam, we were bad! I can remember being like 11 or 12 and going to Canal st. to buy fire works. Most of the shit we got was from me swiping shit from the old ladies that be out there. That shit was nutz. You know how it be out there now with people selling the fake bags on he corners and the fake Tiffany shit? Well thats how it was with the fire works, except they laid shit out on a blanket and scooped it all quick when the Boys would pass by. Its crazy how somethings are gone and other stuff has stayed. As I got older I got into more trouble, but it was always fun. Marc and I were out late past the time we should've been out and we came across these big industrial size laundry boxes of detergent . There were about 8 of them. Marc went to West Side super market  just a few blocks away and took shopping cart.   With these big ass boxes, we went to the fountain in Central Park by the rowboats and at night its shut down. At this point we empty all the boxes in there so in the morning when the turned it on, it made a shit load of bubbles suds. It also made the news. Man those were good times. Some other shit we did for fun was glue the pay phone receivers down so when you picked up, you couldnt. We used quick drying epoxy that work good. This one day we were out gluing phones, we glued this one phone that was on 74th and B'way off to the corner of Fair Way. The thing we didnt know was that the phone was gonna ring, just as I answered it, I glued it and some one asked for the Hindu at the news paper stand. I told Marc and he called him over and said PHONE! So I gave 'em the phone. It was a cool fall day so I guess when he took the phone he didnt notice the glue with all the hair on his face. We waited and then it happen, his left hand was stuck to the receiver with his face glue to the jack. We cracked up as he panicked. We took his candy while he watched. I know this was fucked up, but we didnt plan it that way. It just unfolded not in his favor that day. The list goes on and on. I look back now and try to imagine all of that. I cant believe how bad I was. Oh well! I didnt turn out bad at least as a person.

P.S.87 Gang

A few days ago, I come across this picture with me in it and it really blew my mind. Along with this picture came another treat and that was a chance to connect with 2 friends from 3rd grade who I thought I would never talk to again. In the past all I have been writing about is me and how shitty things have been, but now Ima bout to take it back. 1986 fresh out the foster care system & finally back with my mom. It was a whole new world for me. When I was in all these different homes, there were all in the sticks so I had no clue about NYC at that time and all the shit going on in the streets. I was a fragile lil boy scared to death. When I moved back to my hood, the UWS, it was bugged. Things was real good. My mom was good and I was happy. My zone school was P.S.87 & what a dope school it was. It had a huge wood park and a big open school yard. The thing that was so fresh was after school you could find a lot of us from the immediate neighborhood there playing, riding bikes or just chilling with some of the older local kids that have shaped me into the man I am to day. Shouts to the whole 80th st. block. Jonny, Cynthia, Keith & Law, Pops, Amo and many more, But to my best best friend at that time Dee Lynch. This is his picture Im rocking with so thanks Dee for the treat. Through these older kids I became the artist I am today. The one's in the picture was the only kids that let me play games and was cool with me. Dee, Ronnie, Tyson, Chris and Desmond. The kid with the glasses I have no clue. Dee and my self use to hang out all the time and chill. we would ride bikes and I would go to his house. Him and his mother were real cool to me in a time where people were real mean and fucked up about my personal life with my momz. I cant tell you how much that meant to me then and even now. Thanks Dee. As for Ronnie, I remember my first day of school being crazy and then after lunch when we were going into the building from the school yard, I dont remember why, but he punched me in the gutz! Its all good Ronnie we were kids then and you have been forgiven a loooong time ago. Chris was a laid back cat who could really draw well. I remember him drawing Optomus Prime and all the other transformers to the Tee. This kid was nasty with it. Ronnie use to like the graffiti shit I would draw, that was my thing more so. The other kid Desmond, he never really was in school. Why? I dont know, but he was quiet from what I remember. All I know is that we had a blast as kids then growing up in NYC. We were in the streets playing and being a kid. It was the best. Whats crazy to me, is that the streets were worst then, then now and we ran them. Today its just not the same. Times are safer, but I wouldnt let my child in the streets to play alone. Its just not the same as then. Oh well! I would give anything to go back in time and live those days over. Yo Dee, your the last one I know that knew my moms and that she use to call me "Spunky". I hated that name with a passion and on top of it all, my moms had all the kids in the hood calling me that shit and now I miss it. Where did all that time go? Enjoy your life as much as you can & value the friends you have because nothing is for ever. This picture is the dopest Dee. Good looking on leaking it to the world. Much love to the P.S.87 gang.

Who Gets A Pass To Ride?

From what I know about New York City, is that it is composed of many types of people from all walks of life. Some are born here, some travel across the globe and others have moved here from not so far away. I can remember NYC growing up as a place to come and make something of your self with nothing more then ambitions & dreams. If you worked hard and had that drive then you made it. Ol' Blue Eye's said it best "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere". What I love about the OLD NYC is that people brought there own way of life here to NYC and did not bother people with it, or at least not like now. What I mean is when these people came here they formed communities that can be enjoyed by all and not like the outta towners now who have made it impossible to enjoy what us true New Yorkers enjoy most. That is the big melting pot of NYC. This breed of new comers have really messed things up by not respecting whats already here. They tear every thing down and build the ugliest shit I've ever seen. Its all about money at the end of the day. Playgrounds & parks are gone and kids cant play in the streets like we use to growing up. NYC has become the dullest knife in the draw and has lost a lot of its driving force. That driving force is the people who are the Old New Yorkers who have a deep understanding of the balance that was created. It may seem like we are rude, loud and obnoxious, but its all for a reason. When it counts, we help one another and hold are communities together with a common bond & love we all share for this town full of nuts, assholes and crazies. Id rather deal with the crazy Jewish people, the loud Hispanics and all the different nut job communities there are in NYC then the outta towners who just dont get it. The different communities keep to them selves going about there business and not spilling over into my life. I might hate some of the shit they do, but at there the end of the day. They stay in there part of town doing them as I do me in my part of town. I believe, no matter how tough you are, there are places you just dont belong. 15 years ago I never thought I would see a white women walking a dog on 116 Lenox ave. 10pm at night in Harlem. They just didnt belong up there. Now they are every where. Fuck man! Go home. Its not just women, its men and its not just white people also. So the question is this, Who gets a pass and who does not? Well, I will tell you. Do you belong in that community? Do you know people that live there or have family there? Probably not, right? Your taking up space in a place you dont belong. Did you open up a Starbucks in the hood and why? Now your taking business away from the local mom & pop stores that support the communities and help the local people. I really hate all you fuckers for this! True story so you get no pass. Be out son! Because you have forced your way in to our communities, you have weakened them thus forth stripping my city of choice & individuality. And for the record, YES this is my motha fuck'n city. I have put the time in, blood sweat & and tears as well. Look im not saying I dont want people to come here or your not allowed and you are. Old New York was built by people with passion and preservation and the fact is most of then came here from some where else, but with respect and a sense of whats right. Those are the ones who get a pass. If you want in then dont move here because you watch Sex In The City or Friends and think thats what NYC is about. That was not the case until you you losers moved here with boat loads of money and made it that and who hangs out at the coffee shop all day with out working and thinks, oh its all good, no worries, everything will be ok. Get the fuck outta here wit that shit. I dont need to know about your life style and have it thrown in my face. I could care less. Keep that gay shit back where you came from. Now if you want to come here to better your self, make something of your boring life then learn the rules and our culture and help participate in preserving it for all so others after you can eat too. With all that said, you either get it or you dont so have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!

No Thanks To You, Thank You

Well what can I say, A lot has happen since the last post as always when I return to make a new entry. This time all the changes are in the right direction. I am proud to say that I have started to do the things that I preach about so much to you. I have realized that I was giving out advice but not doing what I say. Well now I have finally figured it all out and Im tired of killing my self doing for others while they do nothing for me when I am down and out and need help. I have always said you need to do for your self first then others. For long time I did things for others then I did for me. It just does not work out well that way and it all lead to a massive melt down that I stopped before it got out of control. I have finally helped my self first and now I feel re-born. I gotta say I am so happy now in my life. It was hard to make the choices I have, but it was the right ones and it took years to make them. I had chose to stay where I was at and suffer deeply for the ones I love. I stayed thinking that it was my duty to be there in the way that I did until I crashed & burned one day. Mar. 06 was that day that apart of me died and was replaced with a new hope of life, My eyes was opened as if an angel came into my life and showed me how to love my self. I am  glad to say for the first time in my life I really am in control and things for me are the best, but it is still not easy and there is a long road to travel. As I make my journey down this road, I have manage to grow a great deal, Learn a whole lot and pick up the tools I need to make it further in life and with all of this said. I am finally free. I am happy so so so very happy. I want to say thank you to the people who have helped me through this in the last month and you know who you are. I love you all for showing me the way, making it clear to me how I should be treated and letting me know its ok to love my self first. I now know who my true friends are to all the rest that are full of shit, GO FUCK YOUR SELF. 

A Moment Of Clarity

See, since the last time I wrote a whole lot of stuff has happen. In the last post I got a little personal and went off  the deep end. Between then & now, I have had a moment of clarity and a juicy story to tell. I gave away some details in the last post and so now I will share the rest for you to enjoy. I have been writing about my emotions and not enough about the Old New York that I know and love so much. So here we go on a short trip. It was semi early in the night and I was charged from drinking and all wound up from arguing with some one. Next thing I know its time to roll to the next spot and I am off. We get in a cab and off we go. So I find my self popp'n shit at the red light as I am sitting in the back by the window on the left. I dont quite remember what I was saying, but some dude in the car next to me happen to look over and at that moment I had been looking his way. Then I tell him WHAT! Yeah I am talking about you, so what's good?. He got out the car and came over. I told this dude, yo, you wanna fight let me get out this cab as he then said some shit that Im not sure about. After that he went back to his car and the cab went. When we got to the next red light, I am talking to my man tell him how  that dude was pussy. If that dude was real with it, he would of just reached in when I seen'em and got his in and then out of no where, I got punched in the eye by this fuck'n bitch ass dude. I got hit once and then I was like what the fuck and I got out the cab. He runs off and I catch him, so now I get my shots in, a couple to his grill and then it was like time stopped. Him and I are standing there looking around and then we went are separate ways. When we got to the bar I was fucking pissed off. I realize I had lost my cell phone and all I could think about is, Dam now I gotta go to work with a black eye and I have to tell'em I lost my phone. The phone is a work phone. Fuck it, I went back to get it and my man Bobbi Li came with me. On the way there I told him what had happen. I could not  find my phone so we were waiting for a cab and when it came, I opened the door to get in and some homo rolls up talking about its his cab. He then starts squeezing the door on me and I told'em YO! you fucking with the wrong motha fucka son. Then his fruity side kick starts screaming in my face and when this happens, the light go off up stairs and I just react. So I let this clown have it with a right and he had the nerve to say some other shit after that. I had finally had enough so I dropped him with the left and as I walked off, I told'em they could have the cab and we walked back. If only I would have had an angle to save me that night. To take me away. Then I came back to reality and realized shit fool there are some of us that still do things the Old New York way. Since then I have cleared my mind some what, but Im still far from ok and I am trying to do something about, I have had A moment Of clarity & it all hit at once. All the good shit I have talked about on how to handle, get by and over come was out the window. I am in charge of my life. It all starts with me and it is time I take control. I am the one that sits in the driver seat and I shall drive this hoopty of life to the dealer ship & trade it in. The best thing about life is always the next day you awake, you can start over. To you non- New Yorkers and the fu-gazee's who clame to be a real New Yorker. Straight up! In order to qualify, you need to pay due's. You dont just come here and live life like look at me, yay! With ya fruit cup style and ways. Get your time in son. Gett'n robbed and into fights is what happens here growing up. All Old New Yorkers have paid due's one way or another. Whether it be a harsh up bringing in the streets or on drugs to being robbed or shot in the streets. What Im getting at is Old New Yorkers all have a pain that they have due to this place and with that pain we push on and become great people who over come and adapt. So now you chumps come here and water shit down, You have killed New York. The bad news is a lot of us are fed up with the bull shit. Losing jobs and being evicted and all kinds of shit. We are still here and you better look out because the strong eat the week. Learn your pain and play your roll or go home. Other wise you can have a go fuck your self sandwich with a glass of shut the fuck up. Good day sir!

Love Me Or Leave Me Alone!

My world is crashing fast. Im losing a grip on the progress I have made & I really need to check my self. At least at this point, I do not feel the streets calling me nor do I want to be in them. I know deep down inside. The streets will be my death one day if I continue to go down that road. Really all I want is to be Loved, to feel wanted and to know that I make a difference in some ones life. The way things have been going in my life, I dont feel any of this and it is killing me. It really is starting to take its toll. Lately I find my self wanting to drink more and more. The crazy shit is I dont like to drink. I dont want to drink. After a long night of drinking, I awoke to a nice black eye & 2 swollen fists from putting the beats on someone last night. This is just not a good look for me. All the stuff  that I talk about is just around the corner and I can see it coming like a Mack truck out of control coming at me, but I just can not seem to get out the way of that truck. This is the shit that is killing me the most. Not being able to change what I can foresee coming. It really is killing me. What I need is....... Is something to spark me. I just wish I knew what that spark is. Well the one thing that will come from all of this will be painting. have been making it a point to finish old paintings and start new ones as well. The weather will soon be warm and I plan to ride my skateboard once more. It is just too much fun to not do it and the exercise is good too. DAM! As I sit here writing this shit, my brain keeps replaying the night and it just does not seem real. I know its real because I got the eye to prove it and the swollen fist to show for it. Oh well, 

As The World Looks In On Me

As the world looks at me and makes their judgements, I sit here in pain trying to figure out a way to be heard. My cries for help have gone unnoticed and at this point I am way past self destruction. It has been quite some time since the last time I have wrote. This is an attempt to relieve my self the frustration, built up anger and misplaced emotions. For awhile things have been going well so I have not wrote. I have hit a wall, but now I find my self  in an all too familiar place. A place that I just can not seem to escape from. I'll explain a little bit about what I am saying. Through out my life, it has been a roller coaster ride. I go up and then I go down. Things are fine in my life only for so long. Then I crash and burn, but the crazy shit is when I crash and burn. It becomes a time when I focus the best and everything comes into light for me. Things become clear only after all the smoke clears. I don't want to live my life like this because it is not good. I can see the pattern, but I just can't seem to change it. If I could only live life on a steady incline, then maybe I will have figured out how to maintain in life. If my life only consisted of me then it would be a piece of cake, but it does not. I have others I must take care of and make sure they have a roof over their heads and food on the table and with the way this economy is going, it's killing me between the both. Many day's have come to where I just don't want to get up and go to work or when I leave to go to work, I just want to keep driving right pass and never stop. I want to run far away and escape all, but deep down inside I could never do this because something inside of me won't let it happen know matter what for some reason. It's just the cloth that I am cut from. My problems never seem to go away and no one seems to answer my cries for help ever since the age of about 4. Pretty much since the age that I can remember anything. My closest friend is there as much as he can be, but how much can he do for me if he him self is fucked in the head as well. Other friends I have are just not as true as I thought so I choose not to have them in my life at this moment. What really hurts the most, is the one person I look to be there for me is not there. I can carry the world on my shoulders, but I too have my days where I come up short and fall on my face. All I ask is for that person to pick me up, dust me off and tell me "get back in the game & do not give up".  So I guess what I am trying to say is my support system has lead me to wreck in the worst way that is really bad. I have lied, betrayed and deceived which in return has brought heart ache to all involved and much hurt. THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I AM or do I want to be, but when my cries go unanswered, I only know how to self destruct and then rebuild. The problem with that is the people around me are affected by this as well and quite honestly I don't know  how many more time I can reset my self before I end up broken for good. Also I wind up hurting other around me or involved and that is more pain for me to deal with. It is more pain for me because I can not bare the fact of being responsible for the hurt I have caused others. I know all too well and how it feels to hurt bad deep down inside. I also know It does not give me the right to do it to others. I am a creature of habit as most of us are. What I am trying to get at is the way I guard my self, it's a system I can not control anymore. It has become instinct like the mean streets of old NYC to me. I raised my self up out the gutter so I know life only one way. I have managed to make some changes and adapt to somethings the way we are suppose to, but I can not seem to reprogram my brain to do everything the right way. My misfortune is the streets. I know them all too well and can not seem to let go of them. One day it will be my down fall. Some of you who read this now what I am talking about and others  will only be left to imagine what I am talking about. On the out side and in the eyes of the public I appear to have it together and be a productive person in life. What you don't know is there is a flip side to that, an alter ego that I battle everyday. I do not have a personality disorder or anything of the sort, but I do live a double life and that double life has been my escape from my issues from very early on and to this day is the only way I know how to get away from my problems. I do know that professional help would do a lot and that I need it more then ever. It has been in my life as well from an early age and I do know it is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing but good comes from it and when I can get some again, I will welcome It with open arms. The one thing I have had in the past as well, were friends that are willing to listen, but for some reason there not here for me like that anymore. That's how I have been left to feel. At this point, I'm really fucked up with emotions running wild and thoughts of suicide, but not to alarm anyone because that WILL NOT HAPPEN. I have already tried it and I know that does not solve anything. Plus I have worked too hard to throw it all away and I do not want to be remembered as the person who took the pussy way out. I want to die with my honor & soul intact. I do believe I have been put here on this earth for a reason. I am built to go through the pain and suffering so that I may pass the lessons in life on to those who are not built for it, but it is all up to you to learn from my mistakes and lessons I pass on to you. I wish I would have listened to my elders and the ones who have tried to pass wisdom and knowledge on to me. Instead I was stubborn and had to learn for my self. We all go through bad things in life and we all fail, but at the end of the day it is up to us not to repeat the mistakes we make, learn from them and move forward from them. Unfortunately some of us can only learn the hard way and others do not learn at all.