Love Me Or Leave Me Alone!

My world is crashing fast. Im losing a grip on the progress I have made & I really need to check my self. At least at this point, I do not feel the streets calling me nor do I want to be in them. I know deep down inside. The streets will be my death one day if I continue to go down that road. Really all I want is to be Loved, to feel wanted and to know that I make a difference in some ones life. The way things have been going in my life, I dont feel any of this and it is killing me. It really is starting to take its toll. Lately I find my self wanting to drink more and more. The crazy shit is I dont like to drink. I dont want to drink. After a long night of drinking, I awoke to a nice black eye & 2 swollen fists from putting the beats on someone last night. This is just not a good look for me. All the stuff  that I talk about is just around the corner and I can see it coming like a Mack truck out of control coming at me, but I just can not seem to get out the way of that truck. This is the shit that is killing me the most. Not being able to change what I can foresee coming. It really is killing me. What I need is....... Is something to spark me. I just wish I knew what that spark is. Well the one thing that will come from all of this will be painting. have been making it a point to finish old paintings and start new ones as well. The weather will soon be warm and I plan to ride my skateboard once more. It is just too much fun to not do it and the exercise is good too. DAM! As I sit here writing this shit, my brain keeps replaying the night and it just does not seem real. I know its real because I got the eye to prove it and the swollen fist to show for it. Oh well,