Dead Inside...

By this point, I've deleted what I wrote about 3 times to start over. Tried to ease into this, but that doesn't seem to work. Straight up, my heart feels broken, betrayed & smashed into a million pieces. I don't think I've ever felt this fucked up inside. Today was full of anxiety and definitely a lot of crying. I guess I can say I broke today. Its been a long time since I broke. Just about 10 yrs. Id say thats a pretty good run.

   At the end of the day, I just want to be treated the way I treat you. All I ever wanted out of life is to be loved unconditionally. I don't really know what it is to have a mothers love because I didn't have my mom long in my life.  My father was there zero. I just had a bunch of people fill in, some better then others and some great. But theres nothing like your own mom or dad. I know there are people out there who have it way worse then me, so no matter how bad I am, I am very grateful for the life I do have. 

   Today at this moment Im going through emotions I haven't gone through in about 38 years and there all horrible. When I was in my 20's I thought I had overcome all of it and that I put it all in the past. When I was 4, I was taken from my mom by the cops and they locked her up. She left in one cop car and I left in another one to be placed into emergency foster care. From that moment forward, I didnt see my mom or hear from her for about a year. So can you imagine being stripped from your mom at 4years old, no one tells you why and you have no clue when you will or if you will every see her again. Ill never forget what that pain is like. 

  At 13 My mother died, I knew she was going to pass and at that moment before passing, I felt like I hated her. I wanted her dead for all the bad she put me through because she couldn’t be a fit mom. My last words to my mom was fuck you, I hate you and I hope you die. A year later she pasted and thats when I realized how wrong I was. I was heart broken, devastated and it hit me that I no longer have a mom. A motherless child so young. It broke my heart. I wish I understood how import time with the ones you love is back then. 

   When turned 16, I was living in the bronx and at that time in my life I felt like I had absolutely no one. I was rock bottom, I didn't have anything to care for. I felt like whats the point of living life with tragedy after tragedy. I was sitting in my room Feeling hurt, alone and more broken then ever. I was sitting on the floor against my bed and I looked over across from me and I saw a long camera strap. I grabbed it and was playing with it, and then it hit me. Just hang your self, that'll solve everything. You won't have to hurt no more in life. So I did it. I hanged my self. Im only here to write about it because the people came in the room to get me for dinner, found me and cut me down in time. Thats a fucked up feeling when you follow through on killing your self. So if you ever said how can someone want to kill them self, you have not experienced the type of pain and suffering as someone who wants to take their own life.

   Between then and now I’ve over come a lot and I’m grateful to be here to write about it now. I’ve beat the odds. I’ve done what I was suppose to do in life. I grew up, did 8 years in the Navy & became a man. I work a better then average job, I have the things I want in life as far as materialistic things and I’ve raised my daughter to be the strong woman she is, well at least on her way. She’s in college doing well, working  to make her own money & be independent. For that I’m super proud.

   So with that said, I’ve endured the worst of the worst. My childhood was shit. From beatings for no reason to abandonment to being touched as a kid by the one person I trusted most, what else could happen? As an adult, I’ve been betrayed by one of my closest friends and by who I’ve loved the most. Again more heart breaking shit. I have lost everything I had in life to only have to re build over again, TWICE in life. There’s so much trauma and ptsd that I still have to deal with from my childhood and then as an adult for it to continue. Like WTF?

   See what’s nuts, if I didn’t write any of this you’d never know cause I’m that strong on the out side. I look like I got it all together. But really, I’m weak. I just know how to survive, it’s the only thing I know how to do. I’ll always ‘make it in life. I know no other way. I choose to let you see me weak because it’s toxic to hold it in. I don’t want to be a cold hearted animal and not love. That’s not living life. I can forgive the ones who have hurt me the worst that are closest to me. I have God in my life in a way that most don’t. I have angles that truly watch over me. I might suffer and feel broken, but I know God will always be there for me. I’m not afraid of my time to die. I’m ok with death. I’m supposed to be dead like 10 times over. My time has not come, but it doesn’t mean I’m not ready.

   If I let you in my life and close to me, you’re someone special. You will not meet someone else like me. I’m one of a kind. You can ask the people who know me, or just take my word for it. Lol! But for real, I will give you my last, put you before me and if I can’t help you, I’ll sure as hell find the help you need. At the end of the day, if you’re in my life. Treat me how you want to be treated. That’s all I ask.