As the world looks at me and makes their judgements, I sit here in pain trying to figure out a way to be heard. My cries for help have gone unnoticed and at this point I am way past self destruction. It has been quite some time since the last time I have wrote. This is an attempt to relieve my self the frustration, built up anger and misplaced emotions. For awhile things have been going well so I have not wrote. I have hit a wall, but now I find my self in an all too familiar place. A place that I just can not seem to escape from. I'll explain a little bit about what I am saying. Through out my life, it has been a roller coaster ride. I go up and then I go down. Things are fine in my life only for so long. Then I crash and burn, but the crazy shit is when I crash and burn. It becomes a time when I focus the best and everything comes into light for me. Things become clear only after all the smoke clears. I don't want to live my life like this because it is not good. I can see the pattern, but I just can't seem to change it. If I could only live life on a steady incline, then maybe I will have figured out how to maintain in life. If my life only consisted of me then it would be a piece of cake, but it does not. I have others I must take care of and make sure they have a roof over their heads and food on the table and with the way this economy is going, it's killing me between the both. Many day's have come to where I just don't want to get up and go to work or when I leave to go to work, I just want to keep driving right pass and never stop. I want to run far away and escape all, but deep down inside I could never do this because something inside of me won't let it happen know matter what for some reason. It's just the cloth that I am cut from. My problems never seem to go away and no one seems to answer my cries for help ever since the age of about 4. Pretty much since the age that I can remember anything. My closest friend is there as much as he can be, but how much can he do for me if he him self is fucked in the head as well. Other friends I have are just not as true as I thought so I choose not to have them in my life at this moment. What really hurts the most, is the one person I look to be there for me is not there. I can carry the world on my shoulders, but I too have my days where I come up short and fall on my face. All I ask is for that person to pick me up, dust me off and tell me "get back in the game & do not give up". So I guess what I am trying to say is my support system has lead me to wreck in the worst way that is really bad. I have lied, betrayed and deceived which in return has brought heart ache to all involved and much hurt. THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I AM or do I want to be, but when my cries go unanswered, I only know how to self destruct and then rebuild. The problem with that is the people around me are affected by this as well and quite honestly I don't know how many more time I can reset my self before I end up broken for good. Also I wind up hurting other around me or involved and that is more pain for me to deal with. It is more pain for me because I can not bare the fact of being responsible for the hurt I have caused others. I know all too well and how it feels to hurt bad deep down inside. I also know It does not give me the right to do it to others. I am a creature of habit as most of us are. What I am trying to get at is the way I guard my self, it's a system I can not control anymore. It has become instinct like the mean streets of old NYC to me. I raised my self up out the gutter so I know life only one way. I have managed to make some changes and adapt to somethings the way we are suppose to, but I can not seem to reprogram my brain to do everything the right way. My misfortune is the streets. I know them all too well and can not seem to let go of them. One day it will be my down fall. Some of you who read this now what I am talking about and others will only be left to imagine what I am talking about. On the out side and in the eyes of the public I appear to have it together and be a productive person in life. What you don't know is there is a flip side to that, an alter ego that I battle everyday. I do not have a personality disorder or anything of the sort, but I do live a double life and that double life has been my escape from my issues from very early on and to this day is the only way I know how to get away from my problems. I do know that professional help would do a lot and that I need it more then ever. It has been in my life as well from an early age and I do know it is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing but good comes from it and when I can get some again, I will welcome It with open arms. The one thing I have had in the past as well, were friends that are willing to listen, but for some reason there not here for me like that anymore. That's how I have been left to feel. At this point, I'm really fucked up with emotions running wild and thoughts of suicide, but not to alarm anyone because that WILL NOT HAPPEN. I have already tried it and I know that does not solve anything. Plus I have worked too hard to throw it all away and I do not want to be remembered as the person who took the pussy way out. I want to die with my honor & soul intact. I do believe I have been put here on this earth for a reason. I am built to go through the pain and suffering so that I may pass the lessons in life on to those who are not built for it, but it is all up to you to learn from my mistakes and lessons I pass on to you. I wish I would have listened to my elders and the ones who have tried to pass wisdom and knowledge on to me. Instead I was stubborn and had to learn for my self. We all go through bad things in life and we all fail, but at the end of the day it is up to us not to repeat the mistakes we make, learn from them and move forward from them. Unfortunately some of us can only learn the hard way and others do not learn at all.
Monday, February 16, 2009
As The World Looks In On Me
As the world looks at me and makes their judgements, I sit here in pain trying to figure out a way to be heard. My cries for help have gone unnoticed and at this point I am way past self destruction. It has been quite some time since the last time I have wrote. This is an attempt to relieve my self the frustration, built up anger and misplaced emotions. For awhile things have been going well so I have not wrote. I have hit a wall, but now I find my self in an all too familiar place. A place that I just can not seem to escape from. I'll explain a little bit about what I am saying. Through out my life, it has been a roller coaster ride. I go up and then I go down. Things are fine in my life only for so long. Then I crash and burn, but the crazy shit is when I crash and burn. It becomes a time when I focus the best and everything comes into light for me. Things become clear only after all the smoke clears. I don't want to live my life like this because it is not good. I can see the pattern, but I just can't seem to change it. If I could only live life on a steady incline, then maybe I will have figured out how to maintain in life. If my life only consisted of me then it would be a piece of cake, but it does not. I have others I must take care of and make sure they have a roof over their heads and food on the table and with the way this economy is going, it's killing me between the both. Many day's have come to where I just don't want to get up and go to work or when I leave to go to work, I just want to keep driving right pass and never stop. I want to run far away and escape all, but deep down inside I could never do this because something inside of me won't let it happen know matter what for some reason. It's just the cloth that I am cut from. My problems never seem to go away and no one seems to answer my cries for help ever since the age of about 4. Pretty much since the age that I can remember anything. My closest friend is there as much as he can be, but how much can he do for me if he him self is fucked in the head as well. Other friends I have are just not as true as I thought so I choose not to have them in my life at this moment. What really hurts the most, is the one person I look to be there for me is not there. I can carry the world on my shoulders, but I too have my days where I come up short and fall on my face. All I ask is for that person to pick me up, dust me off and tell me "get back in the game & do not give up". So I guess what I am trying to say is my support system has lead me to wreck in the worst way that is really bad. I have lied, betrayed and deceived which in return has brought heart ache to all involved and much hurt. THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I AM or do I want to be, but when my cries go unanswered, I only know how to self destruct and then rebuild. The problem with that is the people around me are affected by this as well and quite honestly I don't know how many more time I can reset my self before I end up broken for good. Also I wind up hurting other around me or involved and that is more pain for me to deal with. It is more pain for me because I can not bare the fact of being responsible for the hurt I have caused others. I know all too well and how it feels to hurt bad deep down inside. I also know It does not give me the right to do it to others. I am a creature of habit as most of us are. What I am trying to get at is the way I guard my self, it's a system I can not control anymore. It has become instinct like the mean streets of old NYC to me. I raised my self up out the gutter so I know life only one way. I have managed to make some changes and adapt to somethings the way we are suppose to, but I can not seem to reprogram my brain to do everything the right way. My misfortune is the streets. I know them all too well and can not seem to let go of them. One day it will be my down fall. Some of you who read this now what I am talking about and others will only be left to imagine what I am talking about. On the out side and in the eyes of the public I appear to have it together and be a productive person in life. What you don't know is there is a flip side to that, an alter ego that I battle everyday. I do not have a personality disorder or anything of the sort, but I do live a double life and that double life has been my escape from my issues from very early on and to this day is the only way I know how to get away from my problems. I do know that professional help would do a lot and that I need it more then ever. It has been in my life as well from an early age and I do know it is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing but good comes from it and when I can get some again, I will welcome It with open arms. The one thing I have had in the past as well, were friends that are willing to listen, but for some reason there not here for me like that anymore. That's how I have been left to feel. At this point, I'm really fucked up with emotions running wild and thoughts of suicide, but not to alarm anyone because that WILL NOT HAPPEN. I have already tried it and I know that does not solve anything. Plus I have worked too hard to throw it all away and I do not want to be remembered as the person who took the pussy way out. I want to die with my honor & soul intact. I do believe I have been put here on this earth for a reason. I am built to go through the pain and suffering so that I may pass the lessons in life on to those who are not built for it, but it is all up to you to learn from my mistakes and lessons I pass on to you. I wish I would have listened to my elders and the ones who have tried to pass wisdom and knowledge on to me. Instead I was stubborn and had to learn for my self. We all go through bad things in life and we all fail, but at the end of the day it is up to us not to repeat the mistakes we make, learn from them and move forward from them. Unfortunately some of us can only learn the hard way and others do not learn at all.
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I think everybodys has the up and downs. That's the only way we learn. I just hope not to make the same mistakes again and again. I throw myself into a corner sometimes(in life) just cause I know I am better at getting myself out than to be courageous enough to just take a stand in front to whatever it is. I like to see myself as a perpetual work in progress. I try and look at the city and world that keeps changing, it happens to sometimes be a good thing. I try and fight some of it, I bend to other parts of it. I also find one thing a day to get away from it all. I'm lucky enough to have the time and resources to go to ju jitsu almost everyday. It's the mental release that my brain needs. It can be anything, seems like you need that too. Just an hour, or even 30 mins to yourself. Keep writing, I'm reading.
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