Where The Fuck Is My Day At?

This post will be different then the others, tonight I feel the need to vent and just let go for a minute. Everyday of my life is tougher then the next. I keep asking my self. When is it going to get easier for me? But, that day has yet to show it self. Dont get me wrong! I have made life the best it can be compared to where it started out. Thats when I start thinking to my self while I am staring at others and make my judgement of each and everyone that walks by. Im good at this, trust me! I see so many people that have life well for them, these people do not know of real pain. Not like I know it. What kills me is they have done nothing to deserve where they are in life. Now it all starts making me think about me. Where the fuck is my day at? When will It show it self? I have been asking this question since I was 9 years old.I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I came home from school and I was upset. The other kids was making fun of me, because of my mom. She smoked crack and the other kids knew it. Man, can kids be cruel. When I had gotten home, no one was there. I just laid in bed and ask God "why me why me". I just wanted a normal life. This was the first time that I asked where was my day. Why so young asking? I will tell you why! Because I had already been to hell and back, yup thats right. See when I was 4 I was taking away by BCW and put in a foster home. I had no clue to what had happened or even why. So from 4 to the age of 9 I lived in over 30 different homes. I wont get into that. Day after day in my life has been more then a battle. Others have chapters of shit in there life, I have novel's beyond belief. I lost my mother when I was 14 years old and this really pushed me over the edge. Whats so fucked up is that I knew this day was any day now. The last time I talked to my mother, I told her fuck you and to die. When I found out she had passed. I had realised I never hated my mother. I broke down into tears. The loss was like no other and thats when I realised I fucked up. The way I ended with my mom and that I would never get her back, to say sorry or that I do love you or any other such. In high school, I was going crazy as well. I just couldnt get along with the people I lived with. I felt like a complete outsider with a whole separate set of rules for me other then their own kids. Thats a fucked up way to feel? Once again I have battled my way through this one as well. In my more recent years, I have faced an eviction that was painful. Wrongful at that to make it hurt a little more. The apartment was old to begin with. No matter how much you cleaned, there were roaches and mice. One day here comes a new owner of the building with a hidden agenda. He came around in the beginning to see what needed to be fixed so I asked him to change the cabinets in the kitchen. The old ones where over 30 years old. The had bad water damage to them. The shit just needed to be replaced. Long story short, he told me do it my self and so I did. Thats when he got me! He evicted me on the grounds of making changes to the apartment with out consent. I had to change'em. Once it was all changed, the roaches and mice went away as well. To really ad insult to injury, I lost my job and I was in a car accident. Shit just really went down hill bad. All this during none other then good 'ol Christmas. So you see what I am saying. Where the fuck is my day! I have been through it all and I am still standing. I value my life and my struggles. They have made me the person I am today. It has given me character and honer. I have done more then my part for my life to be a little less difficult. I am greatful for my life and then I start to think about that. Despite me not getting my day, I can at least go to sleep at night knowing who I am and I am proud of that. My mother use to say all the time "be careful of what you ask, You just might get your wish" and she is so right. So until that day comes, I will keep pushing forward as all true New Yorkers do.